When is it over?

Funerals are... what are funerals? really? is it for the deceased? or for the leftovers? After attending my Grandma's funeral this week I have been thinking about death more than usual.. (obviously).. My family knew she was going to pass away... just like we all know that someday we are going to die. so.. why is everyone so unprepared for death? We live like we will live forever.. And we live like our loved ones will live forever by our side. But life really is fragile...

This past week has been filled with thoughts.. I know this is said often.. but live like today is your last.. I have heard that so many times that I think i lost the meaning of it...

I know scientifically that my family will someday die.. and i know that all of my friends will die.. just as mother nature should have it... but do i really comprehend that I don't know when they will die? Not until recently... Today might be the last day of my life.. I could be gone tomorrow.. What will you regret? And if you died tomorrow... what will i regret? I couldn't bear another death right now.. I need to get over so much regret as it is... So... I'm going to try, once again to live like tomorrow is your last... all of you... or... tomorrow is my last...

And should tomorrow be my last.... smile! have a good time.. i wouldn't want it any other way... celebrate death! And should you die before me, i'm going to celebrate your death. Of all the religious hodge-podge out there, with the combination of my uncertainty for any of it, I believe that if you want a heavenly afterlife, you will have it. Don't let guilt run/ruin your life

Song for my funeral: Sigur Ros - Saeglopur (this song could be viewed as being a really sad song.. or a really happy song... I want it to be heard as a happy song.. )

Love Ash

After revisiting the pictures Matt took, I think i really enjoy this picture... And I felt like blogging, but didn't really have anything to say. This picture takes me back to exciting times with the band, when everything seemed to be happening.. Not that things aren't happening right now.. but.. that weekend we recorded our demo and did a photo shoot.. So... I was pumped.. I look forward to more of those feelings... There was energy in the air... Or in my head in the air..
Take care everyone...

A Recurring Nightmare Of Mine

So i've been having a bad dream lately... and this is a close representation of the dream turned into a sort of cluttered and unstructured poem. Inspired by the inner workings and mysteries of my mind:

Open my eyes
This cage is my home
I'm on the table
The cold table.

Wake these limbs!
Can I even shift my eyes?

The door opens behind me
Anesthized
But soul still feels
Alive.

Fight or flight?
Helpless
against this blight.

A voice speaks and
wheels move
I move with them
from one cage to another.

Elevator going down
bars shift during our decent;
horizontal and vertical
line up for tic tac toe
only to disappear
and reappear again.

Is he talking to me?
What could he want?
Why can't I understand?
Atleast let me see your face!
(thoughts of words spoken
that come and go without trace)

Gliding on the wheels
bouncing on the cracks again
like a stuffed elephant
rolled into a poacher convention.

One more cage
surrounded by seats that creak
under your fat asses
The flood lights click on and hum
Beneath the whispers of anticipation.

The lights nearly blind
and spots in shapes
of a happier place
cross the frame of my mind.

Time stops
While I focus on the scalpel in hand
Reflected though the blade
A glimpse of face

Stirrings of hatred
For the fledged man
Doctored up and calm
Grinning and speaking
To the eager crowd

Doctor, Doctor
Dr. Me
A tutorial on soul surgery.

The End.

We're back!

Hello everyone! The circle is complete, Trev has finally made it to Edmonton! Cedar's Bloom has already commenced rehearsal/writing for future shows/recordings. We hope to be playing shows by the new year! We have a lot instore for the not to distant future, so please keep checking in to see whats new! We miss you all,

CEDAR'S BLOOM

That feeling of "home."

So we are on our last leg in the move to Edmonton. Being here in Saskatoon suddenly feels strange. It no longer feels like somewhere I belong. Yet Edmonton does not yet feel like somewhere I do belong. I feel like i'm sneaking behind the enemy lines hoping to blend in. I have no home, but I can see where my home will soon be.

Our house in Edmonton is beautiful. The house is about 3 years old (?) but looks as if no one has ever lived there save for a few impurities in the walls.. but no big concern.

The main floor has a kitchen, living room and washroom with lots of huge windows to let the suns glow in.

Upstairs we have 3 bedrooms and 2 washrooms. (one of the washrooms is off the master suite which we have chosen regan to occupy.)

And the basement is completely unfurnished. Just one huge room to satisfy our musical pleasures.

We are very excited about having a dishwasher in the kitchen. Regan and myself have a phobia pertaining to dirty dish water. Scary stuff.

I think I speak for all of us when i say all of our friends are welcome to visit. In fact, we look forward to the company.

Besides the friends that i already have, I plan on being a recluse in Edmonton. I hope to read lots of books and broaden my horizons musically.

We currently do not have internet connected as of yet... or a home phone. But i will be sure to spread the contact information once I have it.

Take care everyone,

Love Ash ~ Cedar's Bloom.

A Movie Worth Seeing

Rent the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?"

It's a documentary/story... It is the most thought provoking movie i've ever seen. I'm not even sure if i understood it. But i'm going to watch it again, and again until i get it...

It's about quantum physics... Very good!

Why die when you can hibernate?

Well... it seems the blogging is over for everyone else.. I feel like i've run dry as well.. But I'm not closing the site down. Why does it have to be final? Why not keep the site up, waiting for inspiriation? As uninspired you might be right now, it could just be a slump. I know i'm in a slump right now. But that's ok. I'm not giving up the blogging. I'll just wait for the right moment. Don't stop checking out our site, i'm not going to stop checking yours.

If you feeling like you are keeping something alive that should die, then you are thinking about it the wrong way. It shouldn't be a chore to keep your blog alive.

Anyways...

Teeth On Metal

Subconsciously I chose to have a bad day today. I came to this conclusion through the dreams that I had last night. They weren't very pleasant. Why would someone wish a bad day upon themselves? I would like to think that I choose my dreams...

I'm currently working on an idea for a Cedar's Bloom sort of side project that I am very excited about. I am going to be recording The Craft In Contrast with just myself on guitar and vocals, niki on cello and jill on vocals as well.. It feels like a completely different song. Haunting. I look forward to sharing this with whoever is interested. :)

Whatever happened to hope? I have a plan for the future, but i believe it's strongly inspired by my boredom in the present.

Just blend in, maybe no one will notice...

I'm slowly turning into the machine at the bottom of the bottle. Scream for help, scream for help, scream for...

All I ask for is a slip, a tumble or a toss
a sneeze where the streets come to cross
I need you to understand
I want to be lost.

Sorry, just some random thoughts... No one wants to know how depressed someone is. It's sad but true.. I admit to that myself. Negligence can be bliss to.

Anyways, nothing too interesting to say from me.. I'm getting pretty nervous and overwhelmed for the move, so if i don't get a chance to say goodbye. Please don't be offended... I'm bad with goodbye's...

Love Ash

The Ghost Of Ashley

This picture is closer to reality than what your real eyes see.

Welcome home Graham. It's great to have you back!

Tonight is Cedar's Bloom's last show in Saskatoon. The band has chosen to relocate to Edmonton in hopes of going to school and broadening our horizons. Thanks for all of your support and shaping us into what we are today. We look forward to returning to Saskatoon and performing more shows and visiting familiar faces. We also look forward to friends visiting us in the big "E." Don't be a stranger, you always have a place to rest your head with us. Yes, that *could* be taken sexually, but it wasn't intended to sound that way..

Love,

Cedar's Bloom

Jung's Typology Test

So I took a quiz the other day, (not a entertaining quiz such as which simpsons character would you be?) This quiz is called the Jung (yes, the psychologist) Typology Test.

It was very insightful.. I realized alot about myself.. I felt like i was reading a horoscope that was actually correct! So i reccommend you check it out.. go to:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

My Type is INTJ (Mastermind)

Introverted 89%
Intuitive 50%
Thinking 25%
Judging 44%

August 17th Show @ The Bassment

If you aren't busy on August 17th, come check out Cedar's Bloom at the Bassment! We don't like to do the same show twice, so without giving away any surprises, we will be doing something alittle different for the show.

If you aren't into our music, then come check out the other talents playing such as: The Bleeding Alarm, From Chimpan A to Chimpan Z, Our Mercury!

All really good bands!

Take care, and hope to see you there!

Love,

Cedar's Bloom

Where are you now, when I need you most?

When I find myself in a pitch dark environment, I realize that my eyes are straining to be as wide open as possible in hopes of having something to focus on.

I don't think I will ever find my dearest Marco.

I figured I would blog about our journey to Grey Owl's cabin and back, as I don't feel like explaining the story to every individual who asks... or.. i will be able to atleast narrow down some of the questions... here's how it went..

First off, if you didn't know about this trip... the plan was to hike to grey owl's cabin and back on zero food. It was to be a spiritual journey about hitting rock bottom to learn about yourself. In total, the hike was to be 40 km.

We left Saskatoon at 12:25 on Saturday. Drove to Prince Albert where we picked up Sean for the trip. We picked up some supplies that we weren't organized enough to pick up sooner such as high energy bars, mosquito spray, and bigger, better backpacks.

We ate at Tim Hortons before leaving Prince Albert and headed up to Waskesiu. We got to the information booth where we had to purchase our "outback" passes. (basically paying our way onto the trail.) The bitch at the booth told us there was no room on the camp sites for us. And I said "oh no! we didn't know you had to make reservations!" this is where she explained that grey owl's trail was first come first serve...

Yes, I was very upset by this. So we left for a couple of minutes for a smoke and we decided we were going to hike the trip all night and not camp. hahaha.

So we went back in to buy our passes.. and she figured out that there was a campsite we could camp at. Which was the site closest to grey owl's cabin.

We started our hike at 6:30 in the pm. Sean's leg cramped up really badly and we pushed on for a couple km. We realized were were not going to make it to ANY campsite by this time.. as it was dark out and we had only 1 flashlight.

We found.. what seemed like flat ground about 30 ft off the trail in the middle of nowhere.. So we set up camp.. and regan and i invented our own bear cache. (so the bears don't smell your food and come sniffing.)

So Trev slept on a log (in the tent) and i was cuddled up half spooning him. My face was so close to the edge of the tent that i slept to the sound of buzzing mosquitos's attempting to bite me through the tent..

The mosquito's were intense. I think we would have all hung onto sanity quite abit better if there were no mosquito's.. if i flipped at all, it was because of the those little fuckers.
In the morning we continued towards grey owl's trail. We promised eachother that we wouldn't talk about food in hopes of keeping that pain to ourselves and letting eachother cheat.

Sean had it pretty rough and ate the first night.

That morning, we packed up our stuff and continued towards the cabin. After about an hour and a half, we realized there wouldn't be enough time to make it back to our car before dark. None of us wanted to turn around, but the alternative (sleeping in the middle of no where again) was a worse alternative. So.. regretfully we turned around.

Hiking back, our morale was pretty low. I was so fed up with the mosquito's that they pushed me to hike faster and harder. Before being frustrated with the mosquito's, i was walking like a drunk due to overexhaustion and hunger. Mind over matter. It seriously works.. I was amazed with myself.

Trev ended up eating at around 2 in the afternoon.. (i think) and Regan ate afew minutes after that. I broke down and ate during our next pit stop..

After finally making back to the car, we still accomplished something more important that making it to grey owl's cabin. We learnt alot about ourselves and eachother..

It was hard work and we did not have fun. Except for swim breaks.. but those werent' even fun because we had the dread of hiking lingering in our minds. But ultimately, no regrets...

Thanks for reading..

I kicked him under the table during grace and smiled.

In my search to find spirituality, i have read some interesting books about religion. My sister recommended that i read some books on witchcraft or wicca. I look up to my sister because she's smart and has a strong character.. so i started reading afew books that she had lent me about understanding wicca.

I'm not going to lie, the books she had lent me were pretty boring for me. Due to the fact that i'm male, and witchcraft is popular mostly for females. I found her choice in literature to be too.. "Woman power!"

But... I did find a book at a local spiritual bookstore that was an extremely easy read. It was called Wicca For Men. I forget the author's name at the moment. But this book wasn't actually for men.. just not directed towards women specifically. Unisex, i guess..

Anyways, the point i was trying to get at with this has to do with prayer.

Prayer is a powerful thing some say. Prayer is something any pious person, from any religion does. It might just be called something different.. like meditation or seance.

Before continuing, I need to say that the golden rule applies to witchcraft as well. It is said that anything you do, will be returned to you threefold. Which basically means: do unto others as you would have done to yourself. (i'm saying this for those who read on and decide that i have given enough information about witchcraft to teach them how to cast spells.. so.. if you are still reading.. don't cast spells.. don't be immature or selfish.)

When casting a spell in witchcraft, the spellcaster embraces all 5 senses to focus on what they are trying to achieve.

This seems very logical to me. I have had my experiences with prayer.. and.. yes, while in my youth (and still) i have trouble focusing on one thing for any period of time. In my own head, prayer would go like this:

Dear Lord

Thank you for blessing me with a good day today, I appreciated the sunshine. Please help my brother through the trying times he has ahead of him up north. I'm hungry.. i wonder what's in the fridge to eat.. hmm.. is there any good cereal? oh yes, mom bought honeycombs yesterday.. did kristina drink all the milk? hm. oh! i'm praying right now.. umm.. yeah.. thanks lord.. i'm going for food.

amen.

If it's not food then it's something else.

If i'm focusing all my senses on what i'm praying for. Maybe using a certain scent that reminds me of _____. Or a picture of _____. I will be that much better at staying on task in my prayer.

Why do you think we fold our hands and close our eyes during prayer? it's to keep us more focused.. there isn't anything more entertaining than seeing how fast you can twiddle your thumbs during prayer.

EDIT: They swing incense at catholic church right?

Maybe what i'm suggesting is bringing in some unorthadox idea's into the christian mindset. but.. i don't know.. it just seems logical?

hopefully this makes some sense and you can comprehend what i'm attempting to explain.. i'm so tired i'm dizzy right now.. and i'm sitting down.. so.. this sucks.. only 3 and a half hours of work left! hahahaaha

sleep tight world.

I was kind of lost on the blogging scene here for a while, but i'm trying to get back into it. And I realized I hadn't boasted about Arwen's artistic talents. She hung out with us while we were recording vocals and doing final touches on our ep.. and, well, this is what she came up with!

Excerpts From A Book About Nothing

I just don't understand. you only get what is in your first hand. Who deals the first hand? God. Or maybe I'm just here so there is someone lower in the caste system than someone important. Does it make you feel good? Maybe I'm just here to work for someone, and make them lots of money..

I feel like the cog that was thrown into the clock for the sake of just being there. But everyone is out here to make some money, so why waste precious materials on a useless cog? I don't exist. We've been lowered to a SIN number.

"Employee # 693 493 828, you are too old and useless, please retire. Enjoy your decrepit body in retirement!"

Ant Superhighway

Effective modes of transportation.. Highways..

in my backyard, there is a concrete foundation for my fence near my smoking section. Today i discovered that the ant infestation in my backyard uses this brilliant piece of architectural technology as their "ant super highway." I stood and studied their pragmatic use of this clear route. I was not able to follow 1 ant to see what/where he personally is doing/going. A future goal i wish to accomplish shortly. The ants use it quite wisely and increase ant productivity 3 fold.

A Reinvention of Inspiration

I haven't blogged in a while, so my apologies to those who care to read..

The band, as stated in the last post from regan, has another show.. we are all very excited to play again and we have some new material in the works that we hope to share.

I feel very excited/worried for our show. Graham will be missed, but we have a dear friend filling the position of bass for our new song(s?). If this friend reads this, expect a call from me on wednesday.. i think we will need you at a jam very soon.

Friends are all i have these days, and i would like to extend a thank you to those who care to be a part of my life. If i show it or not, you are appreciated and you mean alot to me.

Why do manequin's have nipples? Do they give off a subconscious vibe of "sexy?" when i see nipples on a manequin, i just think what's the point? Do clothes sell better if the manequin has nipples? hmm...

well, i have to leave for work in 8 hours.. and i'm really tired... and i'm losing my voice.. (which really worries me by the way) i hope everything settles in the right place for our show. or... i don't know what i'm going to do...

People should take time to sit under the stars and watch for satellites more often.. I think it's going to be a new passtime for myself.. You can learn alot about yourself if you take a moment to think about all that's around you.

Goodnight and take care,

A first time for everything...

My first post here..... so this is what it feels like?

I'm not sure if I was supposed to do this, but nobody else has yet, so I might as well take the opportunity...

Cedar's Bloom has a show at the bassment July 26th! No, we'll still be 3/4 of a band (damn i miss Graham...), but we have been working on a few new tricks so I think it will definitly be worth seeing. Forgive me, I forget who were playing with.... um Dear Solace, Prevail, and Julie-ann (I probably spelled them all wrong, sorry). Ok, maybe I do remember..... I think thats them.... anyway, we would be honored for you to be there. And if you still haven't picked up one of our EPs, we should have some at the show ($5).... Lee and Trev, please add what I forgot and correct what i've screwed up.....

Thank you,

Regan

I was just deleted what i was blogging about.. It was stupid.. I was attempting to write something funny.. i just don't feel funny these days... I was making an advertisement for some kind of company that sold heavy metal circle pits. Complete with heavy metal music to excerise Tai Bo or karate to.

I'm retarded. I look forward to getting rid of fake people. Look at yourself in the mirror.. I can see how fake i am, and i'm disgusted by myself. You should be too. What's the point in pretending to be something you not? The friends you have made while being fake really aren't your friends. With some of us it's more obvious than others. You know who you are.

Enough of that.. I had a good idea for a song today.. and i didn't come across it through serendipity, which is usually how i write most of my other shit. I'm almost proud of what i've done today. Grand Theft Auto San Andreas kicks ass.. I love it.. I'm not proud of how much i played that game today.. I work at 7 am tomorrow and then i get to laminate my mom's driveway.. yippy.

it seems so pointless. what's so great about the scenic route when you know it's just pain that lies ahead? doesn't seem so scenic anymore does it?

Wait a second... Suddenly, there is clarity. This world runs on a fist for another. Greedy bastards. Including myself.. i would be proud of myself if i got rid of all my material possessions.. such as my collection of dvd's.. my friends xbox.. my tv.. my computer.. all the things that really don't matter in this world... maybe i could make some money.. pay for the funeral.. someone told me the other day that it costs 20 000 dollars to die. i don't know what that buys.. but it was from an old lady, so i believed her she be dead sooner than i. Maybe the cost of death is so high to guilt people into staying alive... it's really just a life tax... caskets cost something like 1000 dollars. it's just some wood and fancy pillows that are worth more than what you would spend on a pillow when you were alive. does an empty shell really need to be comfortable? you can shit on my face when i'm dead if you want.. i'm sure i won't mind.. so obviously i'm not going to care if i have a nice pillow.

hmm. yeah.. i'm done.. those are some random thoughts for the day... take care everyone

p.s. you won't find true love drawing sticks.

A Lullaby for the lost.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning

Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up on my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I dont' want to wake up on my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
There must be
There must be.

Lyrics by The Smiths.

This secret made me laugh. Post your own secret at http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

a satanic 'do-gooder'

I am feeling too sad to be inspired lately.. No.. it's not only because Graham is leaving. I don't know what it is really... Maybe it's just a self confidence thing. I feel like my last posts are filler.. or a way to remind people that i still exist.. and then there are those moments where i think it would be much easier to leave if i was forgotten.. hmm.. or easier for you to say good riddance if i was hated..

anyways... i was reading a post by... i think it was John - a - dreams.. and he did a quiz about what religion would best suit him.. with religion being right up my alley, this quiz was too hard to pass by.. so.. here are some results:

You scored as Satanism.

Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.

Satanism 88%
agnosticism 83%
atheism 67%
Buddhism 63%
Paganism 63%
Islam 63%
Hinduism 42%
Christianity 29%
Judaism 29%

Hope no one misses the real me too much.. i look forward to coming back.. take care everyone.

...

Sometimes all it takes is a song, that voice that pushes out emotions in the shape of words, that chord in the perfect place. It all comes tumbling down, the facade of the person everyone thinks you are. The sobering moment where you see the un-romantasized version of yourself. Cedar sits quietly in the back of the room, just waiting for that insecure moment to pull out a dark secret that causes the mass to panic.

And the tears fall. The back of your throat hurts from the attempt to keep it in. You cry and laugh at yourself for the act. What is it going to solve?

Me.

Reminds me of a super villain executing his signature move. I love.

Pathetic Fallacy for a pathetic mood.

I can smell the passion in this picture!

Yet another picture i enjoy, care of Matthew.

A Short Reign For Cedar

Thanks to everyone who came and supported Cedar's Bloom at the bassment last night! We had a blast playing for you. With Graham moving to British Columbia for the summer, and then going to school in Edmonton, I regret to inform you that we are officially on hiatus.

While Regan and Trevor will be working on side projects including Human Error. I will be keeping busy working on new material for Cedar's Bloom and I'm playing with the thought of making a solo album. Hopefully Graham can teach me alittle more about his recording equipment before he moves on.

I was saying to a friend last night that everything came together quite quickly for Cedar's Bloom. It felt like we started running down a hill and we gained enough momentum that our legs were moving faster than we could control. Just when everything started to come together, we came to a complete stop. It looks like we have reached the bottom of the hill and we will have to work hard to keep Cedar's Bloom alive.

If things didn't work out last night, and you would still like to purchase our EP, please email us at cedarsbloom@hotmail.com. We will be checking the site regularily and look forward to hearing from you.

It was an honor to play for everyone and I am flattered from all of your positive feedback. I have learned alot about myself, and my closest friends in this experience, and I'm already dreaming of the bands reunion.

Thanks again for your support and have a great summer!

Ashley

I was a good plant.

I took it all,
rain or shine
the temper was a blessing
bad moods to balance with the fine.

She never sat with me
She was right, I couldn't hear
But I felt her walk by
in the not so winter cheer.

I was a good plant,
but you didn't care
You had lovers and brothers
better company to share.

I tried my best
to grow arms to hold you
a tongue to woo
legs and eyes
to witness more than your shoe.

As autumn arrives
Morning dew will be my tears
This love won’t last
by the bed near your door.

A Healthy Diet

Food. Is it a blessing or a curse? I think for the most part, people love to eat, they hate the uncomforting feeling of hunger. I couldn't agree more. But my problem is weighing the choices.

In this exact moment at 14:09 i have eaten 1 thing today.

It was a chip i found on the couch from last night. Yes, it was my chip.

A source of energy is liquids as well i suppose.. So i've had a few sips of warm coke as well.

I admit, i've been hungrier. On a scale of 1 - 10.. 10 being starving.. I would say at the moment, i'm a... 9.

So back to weighing choices. Right now i have 2 paths:

1. Eat! You stupid feck.
2. Keep writing this blog and carry on with my day as if nothing is wrong until I am hitting fever temperatures and blacking out.. Then eat!

Well.. Inevitably i'm going to eat. So i could either get it out of the way now or get it out of the way later.

This is where the lazy factor comes into the situation. I don't have any food right now that i feel like eating. Going grocery shopping isn't going to change that. If someone cooked something and offered me food. I would greatfully accept, but to take the time out of my day to cook something is usually out of the question.

Food is a waste of time from doing something i *want* to be doing. Whether it's writing a blog, playing video games or doing other odds and ends.

Sometimes i don't eat because i haven't fed myself in so long that i don't have the energy to get up and cook something.

So why am I so skinny? I used to think that it was because I have a high metabolism. Which i still agree with partially.. My dad was thin, and so was his dad. I believe i am this thin because of my eating habits. No, i'm not anorexic. I eat. Occasionally i enjoy it.

This is not a cry for help in any way shape or form. It's just what's on my mind right now. Maybe my over-analysis will make me realize how foolish i am. But until the epiphany kicks in, i'm just going to keep sipping my coke and suck on a smoke.

Take care.

Just a reminder: Cedar's Bloom first, and last show in Saskatoon is on Thursday, June 23 2005! We will be selling our demo disc at the show for 5 bucks. So if you like what you hear, you can take a part of us home.  

Playing In Traffic Farewell

Playing In Traffic, one of Graham's other projects played their farewell show this evening. I had the honor of being in attendance and I had a blast.

The good feelings Playing In Traffic instilled in me will be missed. I look forward to hearing whatever creative endeavors each member pursues in the future. Thank you for being the "fuck off rockin' " band that you were.

If the PIT guys read this, I apologize for not sticking around and congratulating you on your final show. I had to be at work at midnight and time was against me.

Put my name on the list for a cd if you read this.

Take care.

Fleeing In Pissed Up Pants

Normal bullets used in firearms are shot, and on impact spread out, because the metal is soft. The metal spreading out causes more bleeding, which in turn, causes a quicker death. During WWI the armies changed their tactics. Using a harder metal, (i believe it was iron) the victim of a shot would not bleed as much, but lay there screaming in pain for hours on end. If they didn't die from the wound, they died from iron poisoning. This constant wailing caused healthy soldiers to run out and help the victim, by pulling him to safety. Which in turn made 3 soldiers out of commission instead of killing just one. And of course the chance of wounding another. Wounding soldiers is a much better tactic than killing soldiers. It's human nature to kill, but it's also human nature to feel sympathy. (or so i like to believe.)

Picture yourself in WWI, in the trenches, on the front line. Picture your commanding officer screaming at you, but the words are lost in the deafening explosions of mortars and machine guns firing from the distance. From the way a soldier near by is pissing his pants, you know "boss" is telling you to charge, along with 100 other young soldiers. Of course you are going to die, you've watched the soldiers do this before.

How would you react before climbing out of the trenches? How would you react running towards the multitudes of machine guns firing out. Piss your pants? Puke? Strive on the adrenaline of your last moments in this "beautiful" life? Would you play dead, and try to crawl back to safety with your tail between your legs?

I'd be a pisser and probably play dead. Or maybe not play dead at all.. I might simply faint.

This is one of many scenario's that can teach you alot about yourself. You can't say you know who you are, until you know who you are in a bad situation. How you would react when it's survival of the fittest.. Or the luckiest.

We are lucky in this day and age to not be forced in to war through conscription. But thinking, with no ego involved how you would react is a step closer to clarity.

On the topic of hitting rock bottom... I'm planning a trip this summer to hike Grey Owl's trail. I've been wanting to do this hike for 2 summers already, but this time i'm going all the way. I'm hoping to do this trek on zero food. I believe it will be a test of character. I believe it's 20 km to Grey Owl's cabin and 20 km back. I'm hoping to do the journey in 2 days. 1 day in, 1 day out. Don't worry, i'm not doing this alone. I have a few companions who have agreed to do this trip with me.. (hopefully they will stick to their word.) And of course we are going to take food with us, in case we can't make it. Each step will be a step closer to knowing who I am. Whether i make it on no food or not isn't even a concern.. Knowing that i broke down, and ate is enough for me. I will have still learnt something.

Well, it's almost 6 am here now.. I should probably start preparing for the folks who start at 7.. Hope every one has a good day.

untitled

I attempt to keep my poker face on and calmly fold my cards on the table. I tell you that i can't afford your smile. Reach for the napkin, keep the ink spots; a confession hidden. "Maybe another time" I optimistically tell myself. But I know I will never slip into your shade. Hopefully this love for no one and everyone will go away...

Reminds me of slow shutter speed pictures.  

Nothing Compares To Disappointment

I recently caught myself thinking about the bad things i've done in my life and how they have affected those around me. By "bad" what i mean to say is... Those choices that i have made, that made an impact, for worse, on someone i was interacting with.

I started rating these instances that have happened in my life and came to a interesting conclusion... The ones ranking highest in severity, all involved one word. "Disappointment."

If someone expresses anger towards me.. I question what i have done, and re-evaluate the situation from there. People have been angry at me for actions that i wouldn't change if i had a choice. And people have been angry with me for actions that i would change. But the painful ones are when the person expresses disappointment with me.

The word has a way of slipping through the walls, and going straight for my guilt. When someone is angry with me, I can justify my action by returning that anger to them. The guilt is still there, but I atleast have a way to mask it. But disappointment doesn't work that way. When I hear the words "I'm really disappointed in you." My stomach turns and my head spins. I immediately start trying to come up with a way to fix what i have done. But.. most of the time it's water under the bridge and all i can do is just sit and watch the debris flow away with it.

I'm working midnights right now. And i'm basically finished my work for the night.. It's only 4.. but for some reason, i just can't find the words. So hopefully i'm still getting my message across without you having to read between the lines too much.

take care,

Ash

A Small Statement

I received an email today that struck me odd. So i'm going to post this email followed by some of my comments.

It's in the form of a prayer.

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by this "prayer." So i'm going to break it down for the author, one stanza at a time.

Stanza 1: Not everyone at your school is Christian. If you were a Christian and went to a school that was mostly Buddhist's, would you be willing to participate in a Buddhist ritual? If you were forced to participate in the ritual, would that be sacrilege towards Christianity? Would you switch schools? Where would you go? This is why we have the public school system, the catholic school system or you could choose to go to a private school. There is a choice.

Stanza 2: I have already made my point in Stanza 1 about the first 2 lines. It's not a Federal matter to bow your head! Pray all you want. But don't push your beliefs on someone else by making them pray with you. There are no laws saying that you can not worship God. Just find a quiet space during recess at school, and go sit and pray.. Or.. wait.. is praying a chore for you? Do you want class time to pray? If this is the case, I believe you have a long spiritual journey ahead of you.

I hate to say it, but i'm too frustrated to continue. Religion is not under attack in this prayer, this is retaliation from the ignorant Christians in the world. People dye their hair, people pierce their bodies. Just like having one earring in your right ear does not change your sexual orientation. Your hair color or piercings does not change your beliefs. Religion is free, and that hopefully will never change. But to be pushing your personal beliefs on someone who believes something completely different makes me sick. If they are looking to convert to a different religion, they will initiate it. Don't make the choice for them.

Cheers.. To The Bottom.

If only I could be the first in the water and the last to drown. But when the wave rose between you and me, I found a new perspective beneath the surface. My eyes swelled as the water touched the places tears usually only reach. Why can't I be like a fish, and not need those brief moments of darkness? I always knew I'd be a quiet sinker.

Wake up with a sigh. Wish I hadn't woken at all. Life is much safer without life involved.

With no disregard for the good days, I long to see what Abe's been eating. The grass couldn't be better when you have both sides.

So tell me... What is the color of your doubt?

One of my personal favorite's from our photo day with Matt. 

Cedar's Bloom is Coming Out of The Dark

I recently found out that we have our first show scheduled! We are playing June 23rd 2005 at the bassment! Doors i believe will be 7:30 and the show starts at 8?? i'm guessing at the moment.. But please come! We would love to see all of your beautiful faces! And if you were at our small performance and didn't enjoy what Cedar's Bloom had to offer, atleast come and check out some of the other performances, including The Kate May, and Five O'clock Charlie. Both are amazing bands worthy of a crowded dance floor.

If you haven't checked out some of the pictures of Cedar's Bloom yet. Please stop by Matt's website: http://promenadeofastronauts.blogspot.com/

Matt has done an amazing job with the pictures and I look forward to seeing the rest of them.

Love,

Cedar's Bloom

Ego and the Xbox Junkie

Bill had a bit of a problem. His life revolved around video games. The newest game that scratched the itch of his obsession was called Mortal Kombat. For those who aren't familiar with this game, you pick a character who fights in afew different styles, and your opponent picks either the same or a different character. The match starts and it's a bloodbath to the death in a variety of different open spaced settings.

Bill was exceptionally good at this video game. He would get bored by playing with his strong characters, and play with poor characters to show sympathy to his finger mashing opponents. Yet Bill never lost. His Mortal Kombat ego was growing. So Bill hooked up his gaming system to the internet in hopes of finding more challenging opponents. And still, Bill rarely lost.

Entering online and local tournaments, Bill would always come home with a medal. And his Mortal Kombat ego continued to expand.

Something that should be mentioned in this story is that Bill had a small frame. He had quick instincts and reflexes but there was nothing to be intimidated by should something arise where his physical fitness would useful.

One cold day in September, Bill got himself into a little bit of trouble at school with some of the older kids. Bill was not friends with these kids but they overheard him claiming that he could not be beaten by anyone in the school at Mortal Kombat.

A larger kid named Tony overheard this conversation and had put some quality time into the video game phenomena as well. He approached Bill and challenged him to afew rounds after school.

Bill had no doubt in his mind that this Tony character had no chance at beating him. And Bill had no problem expressing how much he was going to kick Tony's ass to those who would listen. Infact, Bill was so confident that he told his peers that he would win each round in less than 30 seconds of play.

So the gamers went at it. They played for an hour. And Bill won each round in 30 seconds or less. Tony was good at controlling his emotions, but the humiliation of his loses was beginning to be too much.

When they were almost finished playing for the hour, Tony had reached his limit. He threw the controller against the wall, disconnecting it from the video game system. He stood up and told Bill he was going to fight him outside.

Bill was so immersed in video games, his ego carried over to reality. He knew all the Mortal Kombat moves so well that he was sure that he would humiliate Tony even more.

So they met outside, standing about 10 feet apart as if about to have a gun fight. Bill quickly got into his favorite Mortal Kombat position, the "praying mantis" stance. His arms were above his head and he was standing on his left leg, with his right leg out in front of him resting on his heel at a 45 degree angle.

Tony charged like a bull. Bill saw him coming but tripped over himself in his awkward stance. Bill was on the ground, with no air in his lungs. He laid there gasping for a breath on his back for an instant before Tony was straddling him and letting his hard knuckles get aquainted with Bill's soft face. Bill was helpless.

After he was released from the hospital with a broken nose and a chipped tooth, Bill understood where he had gone wrong.

The moral of the story? You can't fight in reality, like you can fight in a video game. The same rules don't apply. Join some kickboxing or karate and don't rely on your Mortal Kombat skills to save you.

Or maybe throw in some Street Fighter moves such as the "Hiyuken fireball."

Best of luck in the future to all you "Bill's" out there...

Regan, Ashley and Graham 

A Test Of Perseverance and Self Control

11:18.
Get away from the computer.
You have engagements to be kept.
Today you record.
Today you show the world how much you can't play the guitar.
Today is about those imperfections putting on the facade of immaculation.
It's going to be a long day.
If only i could be the first in the water and the last to drown.
I've always known I'd be a quiet sinker.
This is a test of patience.
This is a test of the future.

When i watch a live performance, one thing i look for is whether the artists eyes are closed or not. I think it's a good thing when you can tell the artist is enjoying what he is doing. I feel this is a nice depiction of graham enjoying some of his own music. In a ego-less way.

Cedar's Bloom at our finest. 

The New Blogs

So i've recently returned to SaskTel in the operator services department for a.. money making summer.. The computers here are guarded quite heavily, and I am not able to access my "myspace" account from work. So... i have created my own blog site in order to provide entertainment to myself while at work. There is alot of downtime in some of the services that i work.

Well.. here we go..

I'm feeling rather stressed out right now with the band. My brother has blessed us with an opportunity to record for a small amount of cash, but we need to be done recording by Saturday, unless we want to pay more money. Last night the band sat down and started writing out the structures of our songs, so we aren't walking blindly into unfamiliar territory.

Working under pressure seems to be the way our band strives. We need to constantly have something pushing us that provides inspiration through fear of humiliation. In about a week and a half, we fine tuned 4 songs to pull off a small show. And now we are recording in 3 days and it's back to the fine tuning.

A friend of mine is going to take us out on sunday for photo's. And i suppose if we are going to be releasing the recordings we haphazardly create, these shots might end up being the cover for our album. I guess we will have to see how they turn out. I have faith in the photographer, just not in the weather.

Life is too busy to feel much of anything these days. But i am worried/excited for our busy weekend.

Looking forward to sharing some music that I take pride in,

Ash