Reminds me of a super villain executing his signature move. I love.

Pathetic Fallacy for a pathetic mood.

I can smell the passion in this picture!

Yet another picture i enjoy, care of Matthew.

A Short Reign For Cedar

Thanks to everyone who came and supported Cedar's Bloom at the bassment last night! We had a blast playing for you. With Graham moving to British Columbia for the summer, and then going to school in Edmonton, I regret to inform you that we are officially on hiatus.

While Regan and Trevor will be working on side projects including Human Error. I will be keeping busy working on new material for Cedar's Bloom and I'm playing with the thought of making a solo album. Hopefully Graham can teach me alittle more about his recording equipment before he moves on.

I was saying to a friend last night that everything came together quite quickly for Cedar's Bloom. It felt like we started running down a hill and we gained enough momentum that our legs were moving faster than we could control. Just when everything started to come together, we came to a complete stop. It looks like we have reached the bottom of the hill and we will have to work hard to keep Cedar's Bloom alive.

If things didn't work out last night, and you would still like to purchase our EP, please email us at cedarsbloom@hotmail.com. We will be checking the site regularily and look forward to hearing from you.

It was an honor to play for everyone and I am flattered from all of your positive feedback. I have learned alot about myself, and my closest friends in this experience, and I'm already dreaming of the bands reunion.

Thanks again for your support and have a great summer!

Ashley

I was a good plant.

I took it all,
rain or shine
the temper was a blessing
bad moods to balance with the fine.

She never sat with me
She was right, I couldn't hear
But I felt her walk by
in the not so winter cheer.

I was a good plant,
but you didn't care
You had lovers and brothers
better company to share.

I tried my best
to grow arms to hold you
a tongue to woo
legs and eyes
to witness more than your shoe.

As autumn arrives
Morning dew will be my tears
This love won’t last
by the bed near your door.

A Healthy Diet

Food. Is it a blessing or a curse? I think for the most part, people love to eat, they hate the uncomforting feeling of hunger. I couldn't agree more. But my problem is weighing the choices.

In this exact moment at 14:09 i have eaten 1 thing today.

It was a chip i found on the couch from last night. Yes, it was my chip.

A source of energy is liquids as well i suppose.. So i've had a few sips of warm coke as well.

I admit, i've been hungrier. On a scale of 1 - 10.. 10 being starving.. I would say at the moment, i'm a... 9.

So back to weighing choices. Right now i have 2 paths:

1. Eat! You stupid feck.
2. Keep writing this blog and carry on with my day as if nothing is wrong until I am hitting fever temperatures and blacking out.. Then eat!

Well.. Inevitably i'm going to eat. So i could either get it out of the way now or get it out of the way later.

This is where the lazy factor comes into the situation. I don't have any food right now that i feel like eating. Going grocery shopping isn't going to change that. If someone cooked something and offered me food. I would greatfully accept, but to take the time out of my day to cook something is usually out of the question.

Food is a waste of time from doing something i *want* to be doing. Whether it's writing a blog, playing video games or doing other odds and ends.

Sometimes i don't eat because i haven't fed myself in so long that i don't have the energy to get up and cook something.

So why am I so skinny? I used to think that it was because I have a high metabolism. Which i still agree with partially.. My dad was thin, and so was his dad. I believe i am this thin because of my eating habits. No, i'm not anorexic. I eat. Occasionally i enjoy it.

This is not a cry for help in any way shape or form. It's just what's on my mind right now. Maybe my over-analysis will make me realize how foolish i am. But until the epiphany kicks in, i'm just going to keep sipping my coke and suck on a smoke.

Take care.

Just a reminder: Cedar's Bloom first, and last show in Saskatoon is on Thursday, June 23 2005! We will be selling our demo disc at the show for 5 bucks. So if you like what you hear, you can take a part of us home.  

Playing In Traffic Farewell

Playing In Traffic, one of Graham's other projects played their farewell show this evening. I had the honor of being in attendance and I had a blast.

The good feelings Playing In Traffic instilled in me will be missed. I look forward to hearing whatever creative endeavors each member pursues in the future. Thank you for being the "fuck off rockin' " band that you were.

If the PIT guys read this, I apologize for not sticking around and congratulating you on your final show. I had to be at work at midnight and time was against me.

Put my name on the list for a cd if you read this.

Take care.

Fleeing In Pissed Up Pants

Normal bullets used in firearms are shot, and on impact spread out, because the metal is soft. The metal spreading out causes more bleeding, which in turn, causes a quicker death. During WWI the armies changed their tactics. Using a harder metal, (i believe it was iron) the victim of a shot would not bleed as much, but lay there screaming in pain for hours on end. If they didn't die from the wound, they died from iron poisoning. This constant wailing caused healthy soldiers to run out and help the victim, by pulling him to safety. Which in turn made 3 soldiers out of commission instead of killing just one. And of course the chance of wounding another. Wounding soldiers is a much better tactic than killing soldiers. It's human nature to kill, but it's also human nature to feel sympathy. (or so i like to believe.)

Picture yourself in WWI, in the trenches, on the front line. Picture your commanding officer screaming at you, but the words are lost in the deafening explosions of mortars and machine guns firing from the distance. From the way a soldier near by is pissing his pants, you know "boss" is telling you to charge, along with 100 other young soldiers. Of course you are going to die, you've watched the soldiers do this before.

How would you react before climbing out of the trenches? How would you react running towards the multitudes of machine guns firing out. Piss your pants? Puke? Strive on the adrenaline of your last moments in this "beautiful" life? Would you play dead, and try to crawl back to safety with your tail between your legs?

I'd be a pisser and probably play dead. Or maybe not play dead at all.. I might simply faint.

This is one of many scenario's that can teach you alot about yourself. You can't say you know who you are, until you know who you are in a bad situation. How you would react when it's survival of the fittest.. Or the luckiest.

We are lucky in this day and age to not be forced in to war through conscription. But thinking, with no ego involved how you would react is a step closer to clarity.

On the topic of hitting rock bottom... I'm planning a trip this summer to hike Grey Owl's trail. I've been wanting to do this hike for 2 summers already, but this time i'm going all the way. I'm hoping to do this trek on zero food. I believe it will be a test of character. I believe it's 20 km to Grey Owl's cabin and 20 km back. I'm hoping to do the journey in 2 days. 1 day in, 1 day out. Don't worry, i'm not doing this alone. I have a few companions who have agreed to do this trip with me.. (hopefully they will stick to their word.) And of course we are going to take food with us, in case we can't make it. Each step will be a step closer to knowing who I am. Whether i make it on no food or not isn't even a concern.. Knowing that i broke down, and ate is enough for me. I will have still learnt something.

Well, it's almost 6 am here now.. I should probably start preparing for the folks who start at 7.. Hope every one has a good day.

untitled

I attempt to keep my poker face on and calmly fold my cards on the table. I tell you that i can't afford your smile. Reach for the napkin, keep the ink spots; a confession hidden. "Maybe another time" I optimistically tell myself. But I know I will never slip into your shade. Hopefully this love for no one and everyone will go away...

Reminds me of slow shutter speed pictures.  

Nothing Compares To Disappointment

I recently caught myself thinking about the bad things i've done in my life and how they have affected those around me. By "bad" what i mean to say is... Those choices that i have made, that made an impact, for worse, on someone i was interacting with.

I started rating these instances that have happened in my life and came to a interesting conclusion... The ones ranking highest in severity, all involved one word. "Disappointment."

If someone expresses anger towards me.. I question what i have done, and re-evaluate the situation from there. People have been angry at me for actions that i wouldn't change if i had a choice. And people have been angry with me for actions that i would change. But the painful ones are when the person expresses disappointment with me.

The word has a way of slipping through the walls, and going straight for my guilt. When someone is angry with me, I can justify my action by returning that anger to them. The guilt is still there, but I atleast have a way to mask it. But disappointment doesn't work that way. When I hear the words "I'm really disappointed in you." My stomach turns and my head spins. I immediately start trying to come up with a way to fix what i have done. But.. most of the time it's water under the bridge and all i can do is just sit and watch the debris flow away with it.

I'm working midnights right now. And i'm basically finished my work for the night.. It's only 4.. but for some reason, i just can't find the words. So hopefully i'm still getting my message across without you having to read between the lines too much.

take care,

Ash

A Small Statement

I received an email today that struck me odd. So i'm going to post this email followed by some of my comments.

It's in the form of a prayer.

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by this "prayer." So i'm going to break it down for the author, one stanza at a time.

Stanza 1: Not everyone at your school is Christian. If you were a Christian and went to a school that was mostly Buddhist's, would you be willing to participate in a Buddhist ritual? If you were forced to participate in the ritual, would that be sacrilege towards Christianity? Would you switch schools? Where would you go? This is why we have the public school system, the catholic school system or you could choose to go to a private school. There is a choice.

Stanza 2: I have already made my point in Stanza 1 about the first 2 lines. It's not a Federal matter to bow your head! Pray all you want. But don't push your beliefs on someone else by making them pray with you. There are no laws saying that you can not worship God. Just find a quiet space during recess at school, and go sit and pray.. Or.. wait.. is praying a chore for you? Do you want class time to pray? If this is the case, I believe you have a long spiritual journey ahead of you.

I hate to say it, but i'm too frustrated to continue. Religion is not under attack in this prayer, this is retaliation from the ignorant Christians in the world. People dye their hair, people pierce their bodies. Just like having one earring in your right ear does not change your sexual orientation. Your hair color or piercings does not change your beliefs. Religion is free, and that hopefully will never change. But to be pushing your personal beliefs on someone who believes something completely different makes me sick. If they are looking to convert to a different religion, they will initiate it. Don't make the choice for them.

Cheers.. To The Bottom.

If only I could be the first in the water and the last to drown. But when the wave rose between you and me, I found a new perspective beneath the surface. My eyes swelled as the water touched the places tears usually only reach. Why can't I be like a fish, and not need those brief moments of darkness? I always knew I'd be a quiet sinker.

Wake up with a sigh. Wish I hadn't woken at all. Life is much safer without life involved.

With no disregard for the good days, I long to see what Abe's been eating. The grass couldn't be better when you have both sides.

So tell me... What is the color of your doubt?

One of my personal favorite's from our photo day with Matt. 

Cedar's Bloom is Coming Out of The Dark

I recently found out that we have our first show scheduled! We are playing June 23rd 2005 at the bassment! Doors i believe will be 7:30 and the show starts at 8?? i'm guessing at the moment.. But please come! We would love to see all of your beautiful faces! And if you were at our small performance and didn't enjoy what Cedar's Bloom had to offer, atleast come and check out some of the other performances, including The Kate May, and Five O'clock Charlie. Both are amazing bands worthy of a crowded dance floor.

If you haven't checked out some of the pictures of Cedar's Bloom yet. Please stop by Matt's website: http://promenadeofastronauts.blogspot.com/

Matt has done an amazing job with the pictures and I look forward to seeing the rest of them.

Love,

Cedar's Bloom

Ego and the Xbox Junkie

Bill had a bit of a problem. His life revolved around video games. The newest game that scratched the itch of his obsession was called Mortal Kombat. For those who aren't familiar with this game, you pick a character who fights in afew different styles, and your opponent picks either the same or a different character. The match starts and it's a bloodbath to the death in a variety of different open spaced settings.

Bill was exceptionally good at this video game. He would get bored by playing with his strong characters, and play with poor characters to show sympathy to his finger mashing opponents. Yet Bill never lost. His Mortal Kombat ego was growing. So Bill hooked up his gaming system to the internet in hopes of finding more challenging opponents. And still, Bill rarely lost.

Entering online and local tournaments, Bill would always come home with a medal. And his Mortal Kombat ego continued to expand.

Something that should be mentioned in this story is that Bill had a small frame. He had quick instincts and reflexes but there was nothing to be intimidated by should something arise where his physical fitness would useful.

One cold day in September, Bill got himself into a little bit of trouble at school with some of the older kids. Bill was not friends with these kids but they overheard him claiming that he could not be beaten by anyone in the school at Mortal Kombat.

A larger kid named Tony overheard this conversation and had put some quality time into the video game phenomena as well. He approached Bill and challenged him to afew rounds after school.

Bill had no doubt in his mind that this Tony character had no chance at beating him. And Bill had no problem expressing how much he was going to kick Tony's ass to those who would listen. Infact, Bill was so confident that he told his peers that he would win each round in less than 30 seconds of play.

So the gamers went at it. They played for an hour. And Bill won each round in 30 seconds or less. Tony was good at controlling his emotions, but the humiliation of his loses was beginning to be too much.

When they were almost finished playing for the hour, Tony had reached his limit. He threw the controller against the wall, disconnecting it from the video game system. He stood up and told Bill he was going to fight him outside.

Bill was so immersed in video games, his ego carried over to reality. He knew all the Mortal Kombat moves so well that he was sure that he would humiliate Tony even more.

So they met outside, standing about 10 feet apart as if about to have a gun fight. Bill quickly got into his favorite Mortal Kombat position, the "praying mantis" stance. His arms were above his head and he was standing on his left leg, with his right leg out in front of him resting on his heel at a 45 degree angle.

Tony charged like a bull. Bill saw him coming but tripped over himself in his awkward stance. Bill was on the ground, with no air in his lungs. He laid there gasping for a breath on his back for an instant before Tony was straddling him and letting his hard knuckles get aquainted with Bill's soft face. Bill was helpless.

After he was released from the hospital with a broken nose and a chipped tooth, Bill understood where he had gone wrong.

The moral of the story? You can't fight in reality, like you can fight in a video game. The same rules don't apply. Join some kickboxing or karate and don't rely on your Mortal Kombat skills to save you.

Or maybe throw in some Street Fighter moves such as the "Hiyuken fireball."

Best of luck in the future to all you "Bill's" out there...

Regan, Ashley and Graham 

A Test Of Perseverance and Self Control

11:18.
Get away from the computer.
You have engagements to be kept.
Today you record.
Today you show the world how much you can't play the guitar.
Today is about those imperfections putting on the facade of immaculation.
It's going to be a long day.
If only i could be the first in the water and the last to drown.
I've always known I'd be a quiet sinker.
This is a test of patience.
This is a test of the future.

When i watch a live performance, one thing i look for is whether the artists eyes are closed or not. I think it's a good thing when you can tell the artist is enjoying what he is doing. I feel this is a nice depiction of graham enjoying some of his own music. In a ego-less way.

Cedar's Bloom at our finest. 

The New Blogs

So i've recently returned to SaskTel in the operator services department for a.. money making summer.. The computers here are guarded quite heavily, and I am not able to access my "myspace" account from work. So... i have created my own blog site in order to provide entertainment to myself while at work. There is alot of downtime in some of the services that i work.

Well.. here we go..

I'm feeling rather stressed out right now with the band. My brother has blessed us with an opportunity to record for a small amount of cash, but we need to be done recording by Saturday, unless we want to pay more money. Last night the band sat down and started writing out the structures of our songs, so we aren't walking blindly into unfamiliar territory.

Working under pressure seems to be the way our band strives. We need to constantly have something pushing us that provides inspiration through fear of humiliation. In about a week and a half, we fine tuned 4 songs to pull off a small show. And now we are recording in 3 days and it's back to the fine tuning.

A friend of mine is going to take us out on sunday for photo's. And i suppose if we are going to be releasing the recordings we haphazardly create, these shots might end up being the cover for our album. I guess we will have to see how they turn out. I have faith in the photographer, just not in the weather.

Life is too busy to feel much of anything these days. But i am worried/excited for our busy weekend.

Looking forward to sharing some music that I take pride in,

Ash