Nothing Compares To Disappointment

I recently caught myself thinking about the bad things i've done in my life and how they have affected those around me. By "bad" what i mean to say is... Those choices that i have made, that made an impact, for worse, on someone i was interacting with.

I started rating these instances that have happened in my life and came to a interesting conclusion... The ones ranking highest in severity, all involved one word. "Disappointment."

If someone expresses anger towards me.. I question what i have done, and re-evaluate the situation from there. People have been angry at me for actions that i wouldn't change if i had a choice. And people have been angry with me for actions that i would change. But the painful ones are when the person expresses disappointment with me.

The word has a way of slipping through the walls, and going straight for my guilt. When someone is angry with me, I can justify my action by returning that anger to them. The guilt is still there, but I atleast have a way to mask it. But disappointment doesn't work that way. When I hear the words "I'm really disappointed in you." My stomach turns and my head spins. I immediately start trying to come up with a way to fix what i have done. But.. most of the time it's water under the bridge and all i can do is just sit and watch the debris flow away with it.

I'm working midnights right now. And i'm basically finished my work for the night.. It's only 4.. but for some reason, i just can't find the words. So hopefully i'm still getting my message across without you having to read between the lines too much.

take care,

Ash